On my way back home after the last barn tonight, cold and rainy, I find myself preoccupied with Havelah. Our 20 year old, skinny new addition does not seem to be putting on weight. But since we just met, it’s hard to know what her ‘norm’ is. She does seem happy, neighing to her new herd, as she was romping out today. Her winter coat is growing in, and she is blanketed in the chill of the fall weather; it will be much colder soon. And she is so thin, I am worried.
I am debating whether to run another medical test, which might narrow down the cause of her weight loss. Most of the options are fatal, and bloodwork and testing is rarely an exact science. And so if we spend this money, and know this, does that change things? She is happy right now. Should I decide to put her down before winter really kicks in, and she suffers? What if I am wrong? When is the right time to make these decisions, when a creature is happy but their body is failing, or to wait until the physical issues have expanded to the soul?
Fact is, I don’t want to put a horse down at all. It’s an awful decision to have to make. Much less, for a horse I hardly know. She is not the only older horse that is new to RF. I am at such a loss with them; like I was given someone’s grandmother. What was her history? What is her norm? What is her happy sound, her favorite snack, her fears? Was she married, did she have kids, what are the highlights of her life that she would share, if she could? Is she happy here?
Fact is, I am angry at the number of these horses, given away in old age. Some of the situations are genuine, with the owners themselves seniors, and simply unable to care for the horse any longer, as is the case with Hava. But the auction, and my email in-box, is filled with horses being given away because they are no longer useful. And because we care and we can, we welcome some of them. Which brings me back to the trip home tonight, in the dark and the cold. Trying to decide what ‘is best’ for the kind old horse in my barn.
Fact is, I don’t want to have to make this decision.